The Struggle of Communication in Autism

For many parents of autistic children, communication can feel like one of the hardest and most painful parts of daily life. You may find yourself constantly prompting, explaining, reminding, or trying to prevent things from falling apart. Conversations feel one sided. Connection feels fleeting. And over time, it can begin to feel like you are managing behaviour rather than relating to your child.

This struggle is not a reflection of your effort or love. It is rooted in how communication develops and how autism impacts that process.

In typical development, communication grows through simple, shared interactions between infants and caregivers. Moments like peek a boo, shared glances, and playful back and forth exchanges quietly build the foundation for social understanding, emotional awareness, and flexible thinking. These early experiences teach children how to engage in the social dance of relationships.

For many autistic children, this early social dance did not develop in the same way. The ability to engage in spontaneous, unscripted communication was disrupted. As Sue Simmons taught throughout her work, this does not mean it is lost forever. It means it needs to be rebuilt intentionally, safely, and with the right kind of support.

So Why Do We Communicate?

Communication is not just about getting things done or moving through the day. At its core, communication exists to help us share thoughts and feelings, build relationships, collaborate, problem solve, and feel understood. It is the bridge that allows us to connect with one another emotionally and socially.

Autistic individuals often struggle to read subtle social cues and to process information quickly enough to borrow another person’s perspective in the moment. When this happens, everyday interactions can feel confusing or overwhelming. As parents, our natural response is to help by prompting constantly. Do this. Say that. Go here. Hurry up.

Over time, this well intentioned prompting can leave both parent and child feeling exhausted, frustrated, and disconnected. Sue often spoke about how easily communication can shift from connection to control without us even realizing it.

Many parents eventually notice that most of their communication is focused on getting their child to do something rather than being with them in relationship.

When we assume our children cannot think flexibly or problem solve, we unintentionally take over the thinking for them. This pattern is reinforced by many widely accepted autism interventions that rely heavily on direct prompts, often leaving children dependent on external direction rather than building internal understanding.

The cost of this is not just increased frustration. It can quietly erode moments of connection between parent and child.

So What Can Be Done?

More than you might imagine.

Sue’s work consistently emphasized that meaningful change begins not with fixing the child, but with shifting how we relate and communicate. Even without an intensive relationship based program, parents can begin creating change by starting with themselves.

The first step is awareness.

Take a gentle internal look at your communication style. Do you speak differently to your autistic child than to others? Do you prompt constantly? Is most of your communication a means to an end? Do you assume your child cannot make simple decisions or figure things out on their own?

This awareness can feel uncomfortable at first. That is normal. It is not about blame. It is about noticing patterns so they can change.

Sue often encouraged parents to slow down and consider their options before speaking. One powerful tool she taught was thinking out loud. Instead of directly instructing or correcting, you simply share observations or thoughts in a calm, neutral way.

For example, instead of telling your child to move their shoes, you might say out loud that the shoes are in the way. Or simply point and notice the situation together. This small shift invites your child to connect the dots and engage their own thinking.

These moments may not produce instant results. And that is okay. Changing how you communicate is just as much a shift for you as it is for your child.

Start when you are calm and not rushing. Try sharing simple thoughts out loud with no expectation. Even something as ordinary as saying you enjoy a certain flavour of ice cream can open a door to shared attention and emotional connection.

Sue always reminded parents that far more is happening inside our children than we often see. A brief moment of connection can carry tremendous meaning.

When we slow down, soften our communication, and shift from prompting to partnering, we create space for relationship to grow. And as Sue taught throughout her legacy work, it is within relationship that development truly happens.

Sometimes the simplest changes bring the most unexpected joy, if we are willing to pause and be present.